DEC.14.2021 12:36 P.M.

TODAY , 

I am exploring this Beautiful Planet 

Navigating the  hostile  yet  tender earth beneath my feet - And Through thee three chambered light bounce , I am lost at sea - now the camcorder is my telescope, my flint, my steel ; ,my fire , my i  . I M JACK AND THIS IS , , ,  DV TREKKER  ,  !

        im running as i yell that and there's the camera guy in the helicopter and i yell the end of the intro because its so loud. my mojo lately- Right now mymission is to try and wrap a lot of the preproduction work I've been getting through these past couple months. This is a shit ton of work no jokes!! who ever even said it would be easy? no 1- if its easy- you re not trying hard enough i guess. Because every step of the way here I hit weeks worth of building, modeling- texturing- rigging-writing, planning, sorting, exporting, dreaming, drawing, Thinking deeply about why should anyone make a computer game in the first place? 

        Why should anyone make

        a computer game in the first place 

    That is a question that gets me moving happily- Because my mind pops in and says I know Why -- its because I have something worth sharing to the world and there is a lot left that needs sharing. Don't listen to people that say things like 'everything has already been made' or things like that, because its not true and i know it. It is very exciting-  but

Picture a silicon chip firing off its clock - 10 billion cycles per second - mind has difficulty conceptualizing that scale- same with large large systems- tricky to bring that to a level where monkey brain can think clearly about what is

That's me trying to plan or think too far ahead on a long long project. the gears just dont catch - Could be that I don;t really want them to turn either- takes some of the fun out i think... Diving outof the airplane blindfolded a lot  is good   ,

    I've mentioned it before but I want to stress the value in finding inspiration in odd places- To stretch your brain and to explore any side street will be worth it- It is where great dreams come from, and where the mind is able to make connections. The patterns, that is all we are after- the patterns that ignite INFERNO in the brain - the spark of inspiration... the mad man delusion. The scientist in the tower. That lizard on 1 Sun Rock....... Got to have fun to imagine yourself like that sometimes so we can get through the tough times when our head is in some dirt. worms live in the dirt and they are doing O.k. it seems like to me

    I just can't rush this shit. sometimes i get so hyped some days and I'll think I can bang out a Huge goal that day- but I find there is just not enough hours in a day to physically get it done with any sort of worth. and it hurts man. it  shoots me back to earth. With animation, making film- you see what you have made at the end of the day- you can render out a playblast and get to bed knowing youre on track to make the shot real sick. But with a computer game, the burn is glacial. Near impossible to see any fruits of the labor before things are able to fall into their places. It is a mad symphony for the deaf, it feels. I do miss animating all the time- but animation is real taxing, and I still practice quite a bit- But I'm not at the stage yet of development where I can be focusing too heavily on it- Games don't even require that much animation, it is kind of crazy. kind of a trick, 

    I got tricked Oh brother !

    I don't want to let anyone down- and I know its not like that- But I get inside my head sometimes - that I am not superman, and can never be a mutant. I can't make everything that I dream about- because in real life, we face the need to prioritize our time- this is a pain in the Neck to me as an adult human.

    I've been doing a lot of thinking too. Thinking on what exactly makes something good- Why is something noteworthy, why do things stand the test of time- What makes a project stand out, what makes something click with those who come across it? Why does something 'work' in the eyes of others? What is the line where someone will detach interest because of certain decisions or structures in a work which do not line up with their taste? Does noteworthy work simply need  to leap beyond enough lines in the sand for enough of the eyes which view it, to win the long jump? High skill-, time and energy invested; mastery- all of these things aside- A skilled person can still fail to make meaningful work to most people.... Is there just something for everybody? Am I making myself unclear? Feel like I just stepped out of some kind of Tunnel - been trapped in that mine since I was a new born thank you for rescuing Me

    I think i'll just kick back, , , Yep, Do a Kick-back (spinmove)  and play back that Zapruder Film a few dozen more times

   Cant watch foreign films while working.  no winning strategy for this one ... I cannot both work and keep up with the subtitles on my 2nd monitor (because a,) I cant read that fast ((blink of the eye speed reader)) and b..) gives me whipelash Iwasin a neck brace last time I tried to cheat the system. felt like an earth worm holy crap think il just grab the clicker turn to channel 31 watch american dad instead 

    headed upstate tomorrow going to take it mellow for a few days. good relaxation for healthy mind and body o yeah o yeah o yeaah

be patient while i build tthis house. the house that jack built PEACE